Kissing Connectivity:
Keeping Your Relationship Hot
By Edel Jarboe
A kiss can mean so
much, or nothing at all. Remember when you were five years old
and you thought kissing was yucky? It wasn't until adolescence
that the meaning of a kiss was slowly revealed to us. Between
giggles we confessed our first kisses, our secret initiation into
the "adult" world. No one talks about kisses anymore. Oh, we read
about them in romance novels or see them on the big screen, but
no one discusses them in hushed whispers between blushes and giggles.
We are adults. Kissing is commonplace for us now. Most of us kiss
our partners without thinking at least once a day. But shouldn't
a kiss always be special?
What is a Kiss?
A kiss is more than
the sharing of lips and breath. It is a mingling of hearts and
souls. A slight tingle, a funny feeling in the tummy, a racing
heart, is to be expected. A kiss is an intimate connection to
another human being and a simple way to express love and affection.
It is also a way for us to confirm that our partner is "the one"
and traditionally, the marriage vow is sealed with a kiss as well.
What better way to seal the promise of love?
The First Kiss
The anticipated first
kiss is one that we both long for and dream about. And, whether
remembered as sweet and tender, shy and hesitant, or as bumped
heads and noses, we don't forget it. A kiss is a thing of wonder.
We wonder if and when the object of our affections will bestow
us with a kiss. We wonder if our knees will get weak, our pulse
will race, or if it will be a dud. So much depends on a kiss.
We analyze every detail
of our interaction with the opposite sex with the precision of
a scientist. He smiled at you when you walked by. Does he like
you? You went to see a movie with subtitles and he seemed to like
it. Does he really like foreign movies or is he only trying to
please you? Will he call you again? You go out on your second
date. And then, somehow, you kiss. Your heart soars. He likes
you! Could this be love?
According to Leslie
Parrott, Ed.D, co-director of the Center
for Relationship Development (http://www.realrelationships.com)
at Seattle Pacific University and author of "Relationships: Making
Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships Great", women
do read more into kissing than men. "It can make them feel attractive,
cared for, and even boost their self-esteem. Women unconsciously
use kissing as a barometer for how much they're respected, valued,
and loved," says Dr. Parrott.
The Passionate
Kiss
You can't wait to
feel and touch each other. Your mouths and hands are busy, your
hearts are pounding, and you can literally see sparks fly. Passion
is a wonderful thing. It makes us feel more alive, more connected
to our partner. But, realistically, one cannot expect passion
in every kiss. Kisses can range from slow, sweet ones to urgent,
fiery ones. Moreover, it us unrealistic to expect passion every
single day of our lives.
How many times in
books, the movies, and in real life has it been proven that a
relationship built on passion alone cannot survive? Without a
deep, emotional connection between two people, a lasting love
cannot thrive. And by lasting love, I mean one that can withstand
the ups and downs of every day life. Factors like compatibility,
similar values and goals, mutual respect, trust, and friendship
should be weighed alongside physical attraction. A passion that
feeds on itself will eventually burn out.
Are you and your partner
in a romantic rut? Have your kisses with your partner lost their
zing lately? Don't throw in the towel just yet. As your relationship
continues to grow, continue to grow the passion. If you and your
partner concentrate on feeling an emotional connection with each
other, you will make a passionate connection as well. "For couples
who have been [together] for some time, kissing isn't as exciting
as it was when you first started dating," says Dr. Leslie Parrott.
"But you need to continue to make kissing a priority," she continues.
"Passionate kissing is great but one of the goals of kissing is
to stay connected."
The Perfunctory
Kiss
"Bye, Honey. Have
a nice day," we say with a quick peck on the lips as we leave
in the morning to start our workday. It's part of the routine.
Just one more thing to do on our way out the door. Often, once
the days of courtship are over, couples tend to fall into a routine,
which is anything but romantic.
A kiss can communicate
so much. Love, tenderness, passion, and devotion, to name just
a few. It can also serves as a barometer of a relationship. "Because
kissing is a part of the daily interaction a couple shares. It
can send spontaneous and frequent signs of affection and love,"
Dr. Parrott states. In the early stages, we kiss our partners
a lot because we need the reassurance that a kiss can bring. Once
we are settled into a relationship, we need less reassurance because
we feel more secure in our partner's love. But, as time goes on,
there is the danger that a couple will stop expressing their love
with kisses. The kisses start to taper off. You only kiss hello
or good bye or while making love. The love that is between you,
while cherished, is not something that you think about anymore.
It is just there. Sometimes spoken, sometimes not.
No one likes to be
taken for granted, especially not your partner, and your love
shouldn't be either. A kiss is such a simple way to keep the love
you and your partner share alive. Notice that I said share. Both
you and your partner owe it to each other to work at keeping the
love and passion alive. Yes, love requires work too. Anything
worth doing or worth having does. However, Dr. Parrott also advises
"while it's great when you and your partner are on the same passion
scale, there will be times when one partner will go through a
quieter time sexually. Don't take it personally or withdraw. Stay
connected by talking and touching and giving them space."
Kissing 101
1. Remember how special
you and your partner are together.
2. Be creative. Kiss
your partner's forehead, eyelids, cheeks,
nose and chin, before
kissing your partner on the mouth.
3. If you don't like
your partner's kissing style, tell them gently how you would like
to be kissed. Better yet, show them.
4. Gently caress your
partner's hands, neck, or back as you kiss. Make it more than
a mere meeting of the lips.
5. If you don't have
time for a "real kiss", make a verbal promise of "Later." You
and your partner will have something to look forward to and you
will have put the magic of anticipation back into your relationship.
Other Daily Steps
to Intimacy:
1. Really listen to
each other.
2. Be there for each
other.
3. Touch each other.
4. Go out on a "date"
at least once a month. Maybe even re- create your first date.
5. Have a candlelight
dinner.
6. Plan a special
day together for just the two of you.
Following are more
passion tips provided by Dr. Leslie Parrott:
1. Have a "How's your
love life?" conversation. Ask your partner to rate their level
of passion and intimacy on a scale of 1 to 10. The very act of
having the conversation increases the level of satisfaction for
both of you.
2. Write a love letter
to your mate. Make it a little unpredictable. Throw your partner
off guard by saying things you don't normally say.
3. Agree to take turns
initiating affection so it doesn't always fall to the same partner.
4. Every once in a
while, schedule passion on your calendar in advance. Focus on
your "appointment" in the hours preceding so your passion and
excitement has time to really build.
Copyright © 1999 by
Edel Jarboe. All Rights Reserved.
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About the Author:
Edel Jarboe is the founder of Self
Help for Her.com ,
an online self-help magazine helping you create your better life.
She also publishes a free weekly newsletter, which features advice
on goal setting, stress management, coping with difficult people,
and overcoming obstacles: Subscribe
and receive a FREE stress report.
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